May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be large. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed within the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely outside of place. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But yes, sure, let's have An additional position in which American Gentlemen can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: present All people a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is tender power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It is that he should halt working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the challenge, replied, "You realize, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from House, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Attributes


Probably the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees might ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is now attracting consideration from international investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will even involve:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel where by my PTSD can have turn-down service."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly Trump Tower Damascus offered to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Ideas from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything three. You might be welcome."

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